November 30 Musings

Grief is such a broad concept.

As I sit here, it has been 2 and a half months since we went to the hospital to deliver our little boy, into this world and back to his Heavenly Father, all at the same time.  And it is 2 months until his due date.  

It seems like a lifetime ago that I was a pregnant sick mother, happily going in to find out if we were having a boy or girl only to find out that little Scotty Myrrh had died already.

There are so many moments where I wish I had the writers tongue that could express the emotions in my heart but today I am again, just me. 

But grief is still there.  A constant companion although I may not always see it's face.

I am sure it will always be there.  It has different callings at different times.

Yesterday, Grief was desperate and broken as I watched an unknown father bless his baby in church.  Aching, as I realized for the first time that we will never have that chance with our baby boy and the possibility of it never happening again for us.  

It was hallow as I watched the 16 and 17 year old boys bless the sacrament, remembering once again that I will never have the opportunity to see my son fulfill that calling.  

Grief was raw I watched the 12 year-olds pass the sacrament, and noticed my nephews, dressed up so sweetly but still somehow unkempt and knew that I don't get to see that in my son now.

This weekend Grief was a narrator and friend telling me to take a step back.  Helping me see my siblings and how we love and argue and the wonderful friendships that are within our relationships. Then helped hold me and my breaking heart as I watched my daughter and wondered if that will ever be her life.

Grief is there as I notice all the things that I do about my Miss and hoping that I never forget them because this may be the only time in this life that I get to go through these stages with her- either late at night when I am so exhausted or when she blurts out the funniest things. 

But then Grief is optimistic as He whispers that maybe my husband is more right than I, and that one day maybe we will go through the blessing and trial of having another baby and that this chapter is not over for us.

Today, Grief is comfortable, like an old set of sheets that I just can't wait to sink into.  As I nurse a cold in my bed remembering the nights I felt movement in my belly.  The nights awake, as pregnant women can never seem to sleep, as I wondered how Maudie and her brother would interact.  A worn and comfortable bed almost, as I see a post on my social media of a woman who lost her son in teen years, wishing him a 40th happy birthday and knowing that my friend Grief will also be a Time-Keeper and help me pass the years when others may have forgotten.   But also making me wonder how in just a few short months, Grief had become such a comfortable companion.  

Grief was a surprising friend last night as I got a new, exciting, daunting, nerve-wracking church calling and Grief reminded me that Grief alone can help me through this exciting new adventure- He alone.

  

And then slowly, Grief is still there as a Guide, leading me to the realization (only as I type the words) that my friend Grief is actually my Saviour.  Letting me break and then holding me, loving me, as only He can because Only He has been here.  And through this comfortablity that I have found with Grief,  I can help others through their own path and friendship with Grief.  Reminding me to turn to Him not only in these times, but in all times, as He will help me back to my Father in Heaven and back to my waiting son, Scotty Myrrh, who is doing his own work and is needed elsewhere more desperately than I need him, no matter that I cannot grasp that concept.

Grief has been here the entire time, waiting for me to notice Him and draw me to Him so that He can comfort me and then so I can bring others to Him; my Saviour, Jesus Christ.
And for that I have gratitude. <3 br="">

Scotty Myrrh Newton, Sept.12, 2015.