Maternity leave

Today is interesting for me.  I guess it's another stage in this grief process.  Tomorrow would have been my last day of work before my maternity leave.  I had decided to go on mat leave slightly early to have some time with my wonderful daughter.  Now, I will be working again next Monday, just like it's a normal day... 

But, it's not.  It is different and life has changed even though it seems to keep moving smoothly for the rest of the world.

Have you ever wished that the world would just take a second to stop, because your life has?  Well, I guess that is where I am at today.  I want to pause a second and have a little time to pick myself up before going on to the next thing.  But life never stops, does it?  I have to go to work, I have clients to take care of, families to support and a dog, daughter, and husband who also need me.  Life continues...

In less than a month we would have been welcoming our son into our lives, to be awake with at night, to attempt to learn to breastfeed with, to snuggle and love and care for.  And instead, on his first expected due date, we will be meeting with an Obstetrician to receive the results of the autopsy report.
It is so bizarre.

It was hard to take down the Christmas tree this year.

When we were pregnant, Maudie would ask about when the baby would be here and my response was always "After Christmas and before your birthday."  Well, Christmas has gone and the baby has as well and that is hard.

I should say that not every day is hard.  yesterday, things were great.  Even this morning on the way to work.  I had a perfect morning with Maudie and Scott and even got supper in the crock pot.  Score! Life is good and it does "go on" but sometimes I trip and I wish the world would stop turning for that moment so that I can get my bearings, dust myself off, pick myself back up and continue on with everyone else...

And soon, I will have my resolutions, like everyone else, what I want to learn this year, how I want to grow, and what I want to accomplish...

But for now, 

I mourn.  

I stop.

I remember.

I pray.  

And while the world keeps turning, I wait.



We are loving you and missing you, Scotty bear.