This year has not been quite what I expected or wanted, to be honest.
In the recent conference, Elder Hollstrom quoted Elder Holland by saying, "You can have what you want or you can have something better."
This reminded me of the story of Joseph Smith praying over a meager meal and after blessing it and giving his gratitude to the Lord, he asked for something better and shortly after the prayer ended, there was a knock on the door and someone dropped off better food because of a prompting of the Lord.
This is hard because I do want something better. I do want more children, I don't want to deal with this infertility any longer and I do not want to loose any more of my babies in this life... But that is what I want... And I am often so stuck on what I want that it is hard to give it up for the chance of something better.
Another thing Elder Holland had said in a talk to the young single adults was "There is hope for all of us. Some
blessings come now, some blessings come later and some don't come until
eternity. BUT they come... The promises will be fulfilled." Something better is waiting for ME and for each of us.
There is a true story often told in our family of one of Magdalen's uncles in his youth. He had asked for a specific jersey for his birthday and when it wasn't there and he started to complain (as children sometimes do), his mom asked if he wanted her to take back all the other gifts; which included roller-blades and other fun things. And he did; he said he wanted his jersey and not the great things he had gotten, so it was all taken back. After this, later on that day, his jersey came with his grandmother. BUT because he wanted what he wanted and didn't wait, he didn't get the something better of the jersey and all the other great presents.
I wonder, how often am I like that young child, asking the Lord to give me the things I want now; let me be pregnant, let me keep the child to raise in this life, let me have a job within my agency that will let me be home a little more with the child I have, etc, etc.
I can't deny that I really, really want these things and it is hard for me to let go of what I want. But don't I want something better? What the Lord has in store for me? Even if it means that Maudie will be a single child in this life with her currently siblings in heaven or even a few more? Can I deal with letting go of what I want for the hope of something better?
I know that I worked quite hard over the year from last September (2015), trying to get to the point where I could let the Lord know that I had the faith to let Him have control over my life, have His Will in my life. I want to be happy with what He has in store for my life and I thought I was ok with whatever that contained. It was a hard year, to deal with the Will of the Lord in my life within the trials that come and the trials that I needed to go through.
And then Elder Holland said, "You will be happy again...wonderful things are in store for you... There will be highs and lows and ups and downs, but when you have lived your life... [you] will look back on the splendor of the... good things [that came]."
And as I think through it, there were lows and hard times this last year, and throughout the last two years but there were also highs and happiness. Maudie brings me such joy in my life as does a wonderful and hard working husband. I loved being able to be mentored at work by a wiser more experienced co-worker who had also been through a lot of hard grief in her life. We wouldn't have had that opportunity if I hadn't gone through the significant trials in my life. I have also become closer to several people in the ward because of the same trials. I have had lots of extra time with my sweet daughter that wouldn't have occurred without things happening in this way. I have been able to see the Lord use earthly angels in my life and had amazing experiences of divine signatures of the Lord in my life that I wouldn't have seen without the trials that I went through.
AND I have been lead to think of eternal families more and more over the last two years, giving me a strong desire to make sure that I do those things that will bring our family together again in the eternities once those of us who are here die. I am grateful that the thought of the eternities is also leading me to let more things go and give more time to my family. I also can't wait to see and raise our angel family that is waiting for us.
I want to end with the last few things that Elder Holland had said, "I bless you with the righteous desires that you have and want to have."
And this scripture, which I just read again today as I finished the Book of Mormon for the year. (I guess I really needed to pay attention to this scripture.) Moroni 10: 32-33 "Yea, come unto Christ, and be perfected in him, and deny yourselves of all ungodliness; and if ye shall deny yourselves of all ungodliness, and love God with all your might, mind and strength, then is his grace sufficient for you, that by his grace ye may be perfect in Christ; and if by the grace of God ye are perfect in Christ, ye can in nowise deny the power of God. And again, if ye by the grace of God are perfect in Christ, and deny not his power, then are ye sanctified in Christ by the grace of God, through the shedding of the blood of Christ, which is in the covenant of the Father unto the remission of your sins, that ye become holy, without spot."
However hard I felt our trials have been lately, I am glad that they are leading me to Christ so that someday, if I am worthy, I can be sanctified in Him. I am so very grateful, and always will be, for the Atonement of Christ.
Hope you all are able to see the good in 2016, have a great New Year, and that you have the Lord on your side through your trials as we have.
Our family December 2016
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