Last year, I was growing...a lot and prepping for this year, but nothing really prepares you
for the joy, the pain, the love, the snotty noses and droll, the clothing that is never clean at the end of the day, the constant diapering and blow outs, the smiles, then giggles, then laughs, and cuddles and hugs and kisses, the excitement when she rolls over, then sits up, crawls, takes her first unassisted step, and finally walks (not yet fully unassisted). Nothing prepares you for the lack of sleep, the sore breast, the sore body everywhere, the longing to put her down, the longing to NEVER put her down, the longing to make sure she is NEVER hurt, the sadness when she is, the pain when you are the one who causes her grief (like wiping her nose), the ultimate joy because this little person loves you so much and thinks everything you do is funny and perfect.
And then now, nothing prepared me for going back to work. There was a lot of worry before I left. Wondering how to manage her life without me, how to make sure she would be okay, how I would be okay without this little person all day, every day, a lot of anxiety about what it would be like...
and then it was her...
and it was hard to leave her...
It was hard and probably will get harder.
I was lucky to have a happy baby, who seems content at her babysitter's and enjoys playing with the babysitter's son who is the same age as her. So, I am sure it wasn't as hard as it could have been.
I don't think I could have handled the first week of work as well if she had cried every day when I left her...
or every day when I got back...
Or both.
And one of the hardest parts is admitting that I like it still!
I love counselling and assisting others to learn new paths to make their life better.
BUT I also want this little person to have parents who are an important part of her life- who are around for her and have at least one who can be the primary caregiver. In a perfect world, Scott would have a permanent job and I would be at home with Maudy during the day and working part time counselling on evenings and some days when he would be around... or a grandparent. But as it stands, I have to work and I am glad that I still like it...
But it is also hard to still like it and feel somewhat guilty that she is being taken care of by another.
One year...
How can I explain it? I really can't. But those who have gone through it understand somewhat...
Every person and every child is different...
And of course I love my little person more than all the others, isn't that what all parents say?
But truly, honestly, I love this little person...
My life revolves around her...
And life was not complete and will never be complete without her...
Magdalen,
You filled a void I had
A longing and an empty space...
That only you could fix...
You made me a Mum, a Momma
And for that I will always be grateful!
Happy birthday, Sweet Pea.
Morning cuddles on the first day back to work. I love those big eyes!
Her birthday party, last weekend. I'll post about that later :)
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